You’re probably thinking “Sidewinder“, the really bad ’70s motocross flick with Marjoe Gortner. Gack! That was awful. But you’d be wrong. Yes, the worst motorcycle movie ever has to be “Torque“, which I just suffered through on FX.

It’s horrendous. Abysmal. So bad that it would have to get better just to suck. And not even in that Mystery Science Theatre way – but really, truly, hard-core miserable, lower-than-a-snake’s-belly kind of suck. Take a plot-line that was rejected by all the video game companies because it was so stupid; add in a bunch of blatant, pandering, overbearing product placements (which have to be the only reason they made this movie); pour in 5 cups of poorly staged sport biker stunts that defy not only the laws of physics but look like they’re riding on a merry-go-round , hideous special effects, and really bad acting. Now stir thoroughly with a final dose of cheesy dialog and you have Torque. Unless you’re under the age of 14 I can’t imagine you won’t be insulted by this movie. It’s just sloppy. Even if the stupid stuff were intentional – like it’s all supposed to be a big joke – it’s not funny. Just very, very sloppy and insulting. The kind of thing people should be ashamed to be associated with.

It was so bad I couldn’t watch more than about 5 minutes without having to flush my eyes, so I had to keep going to the bathroom. This movie sets some sort of new low, but I’m not sure what kind. It’s that bad. It might even rival Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space“.